Steady, Steady: The Life I’m Fighting For

From California, to Montana, to New York and back to Asbury Park, NJ

I wrote the poem at the end of this piece on a redeye from Bozeman, Montana to Newark. I had just finished a First Descents trip—whitewater kayaking with cancer patients, survivors, and people living with MS.

I had gone kayaking with a broken elbow and a broken collarbone from falling down the stairs a few weeks earlier. It hurt like hell. I ended up in the guide raft, unable to paddle. Still, I loved it. I made connections I still hold onto—some of those people are gone now. Some are still here.

I was emo on the flight home and dashed off this poem. I was living between LA, Brooklyn, and Asbury Park, trying to figure out if I was well enough to be away from home. I wasn’t—but I wouldn’t know that for sure until my first taste of DKA in 2015. And again on this day in 2017, when I was wheeled to the ICU. And countless times since—at least seven DKA admissions that I can count in my chart.

Yes. My body is trying to kill me.

My most recent PET scan showed aggressive, widespread cancer from head to toe. They’re calling it stage IV, even though there’s no bone or organ involvement yet.

My time is running out. My luck is drying up.

And still—I’m glad I have these memories.

Snowball fights in Glacier National Park on the Fourth of July.

Watching DC fireworks from the NIH roof with nurses who brought me up there before my health collapsed.

Leo learning to walk, my dad behind him, shouting: “This kid is awesome!”

On Tuesday, I’ll see my oncologist to talk radiation, immune therapy, and at least three surgeries.

But until then—I’m waking up early. I’m hitting the beach.

This could be my last summer.

I’m not missing another second.

⸻

Redeye

July 6, 2013

I always say I’m sorry that I’m sick

but but

Yeah, I am.

Everyone clucking over me

Touching my belly

Searching for an appendix

that burst a long time ago.

It’s all gone—

The good health.

I wasted it at Bonnaroo

And Brooklyn.

And now I’m just the one

Checked on.

Sobbing into a phone

because I’m sick

and my flight is delayed.

So it’s a redeye

And I’m drinking $12 cocktails

To make myself steady

Steady steady

Steadily worse.

⸻

If this hit you, I’d love to hear your stories. I’m collecting the moments we hold onto—the summers we don’t let go of. Feel free to DM or email me if you want to share.

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